


Fanfiction Friday Collection

by traceExcalibur



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-08-27
Updated: 2012-01-02
Packaged: 2017-10-23 02:46:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/245442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceExcalibur/pseuds/traceExcalibur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes on Friday nights I get bored, ask people to send me random pairings, and then write short and silly fics about them. This is a collection of fics written on such nights.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Friday 1

 

#  DAVE/JOHN

 

“this has got to be the shittiest movie ive ever seen dude, i cant even appreciate it on an ironic level”

Dave and John were sitting in John’s room, watching Con Air together for the first time. John insisted on it, claiming that none of his friends were allowed to hang out at his house for a totally manly bro sleepover unless they watched the movie with him. Dave was channelling his inner snark powers and making snide remarks about every scene, which was pissing John off.

“dave can’t you enjoy something without having to insult it? this movie was made with a lot of emotion and care, you know.”

“yeah whatever”

Dave seemed immobile. He refused to see any good in the movie, deriding every moment as terrible, poorly written, and poorly acted.

But then, something changed. The street tough maverick with nothing to lose greeted his daughter, and gave her the fabled bunny as a gift. A single tear rolled down Dave’s cheek.

“dave? are you crying? you like the movie?”

“no thats not it” said Dave, and he removed his sunglasses. His burning red eyes looked directly into John’s with the power of a thousand suns.

“i just realized that…i love you bro”

“oh, dave! i feel the same way!”

John and Dave embraced as the song “How Do I Live” flared up in the background, and then they porked.

 **THE END**

# KANAYA/HAREM

Kanaya was drowning in blissful happiness. She was sitting on a throne, sipping Eridans’s blood from a crystal goblet and surrounded by all of the bitches, all of them.

Jade was standing naked before her, a squiddle clamped to each breast and one covering her crotch, pleasing her mistress by doing a silly dance.

Vriska was running at Kanaya, who would punch her in the face and send her careening. Vriska would swoon, stand back up, and do it again.

Feferi was feeding Kanaya delicious shrimp, one bite at a time.

Terezi was in charge of filling buckets full of fruity-smelling lotions and slathering everyone up with them.

March Eridan was hanging from the wall in the very corner, blindfolded and not allowed to participate. Nepeta was in charge of taking his blood and filling Kanaya’s goblet with it.

Aradia was sitting slightly away from everyone else, sketching out the scene.

Rose was between Kanaya’s legs, making great use of her tongue.

 **AND THEN THEY ALL FUCKED, THE END.**

# KARKAT/VRISKA

Karkat was sitting in his respiteblock in the veil, thinking about his blood color. He was listening to My Chemical Trollmance music, angsting, and generally being a total stereotypical emo. Suddenly there was a knock at the door!

“WHO IS IT, FUCKASS?” Karkat yelled.

“Hehehehehehehehe, this is defin8ly Terezi and I am here to make you feel 8etter!”

“I CAN RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE, VRISKA. IT IS THE THROATY SOUND OF A GIRL WHO’S HAD FAR TOO MANY BULGES SHOVED DOWN HER PATHETIC, SCRAWNY CHITINOUS WINDHOLE.”

“Fine! You can h8flirt aaaaaaaall you want, Vantas, 8ut the fact remains that I was the one who came here to see you instead of your precious little “m8sprit”!”

“LIKE I FUCKING CARE. GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DOOR. IN FACT, WHY DON’T YOU DO US ALL A FAVOR AND GO HANG YOURSELF? MAYBE THAT SIGHT WILL MAKE MY “PRECIOUS LITTLE MATESPRIT” RILED UP ENOUGH TO COME SEE ME. GOD KNOWS EVERYONE ELSE WOULD GET OFF ON YOU DYING, IMAGINE WHAT SHE’D DO.”

“I’m not leaving! Not until you open this door.”

“WHATEVER. I’M GOING TO SIT HERE AND SCREAM LYRICS FROM THE WHITE PARADE UNTIL IT DROWNS YOU OUT AND YOU REALIZE THAT I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.”

Karkat screamed a lot until his voice started to get sore (well, more sore than usual) but it had no use. Eventually he caved in and opened the door.

Vriska was standing there, holding Terezi’s lost eyes in one hand and a copy of the latest MCT album, Safety Days, in the other. She was grinning maniacally.

“Well, Vantas????????”

Karkat’s love dick and hate dick both popped boners at the same time and he pulled Vriska down onto his  ~~bed~~ recuperacoon and fucked her with both at once.

It was beautiful.

 **THE END.**

# ROSE/KANAYA

There was once a mighty Prophet who rested upon the highest mountain in all of the land. He proclaimed that in the future, it would come to pass that all of the Weaboo would band with each other, and together they would be wrong, and utter a misinformed statement so powerful it would become known as the Vast Aggravation. All thought that this could not be true, and that the Prophet spake false. He was cast down from his mountain and imprisoned for his misdeeds.

But lo, one day a legendary man known only as Andrew Hussie did create a webcomic known as Homestuck, and in doing so he spawned the characters of Rose Lalonde and Kanaya Maryam. Rose fell ill to a Grimdark plague and her skin became dark. Kanaya was brought to unlife as a Rainbow Drinker and her skin became light. The two were destined to meet each other, and to be infatuated by each other.

And thusly did the two fall in love, and court each other. Together would they write fiction about wizards and elves and mythological creatures, and sew marvellous outfits, and they were pleased. Eventually, their emotions reached their peak, and the two lovers became one.

As they embraced, all of the Weaboo looked upon their union, and saw that it resembled the symbol of Yin Yang. And thus did the Weaboo compliment this act of lovemaking, and declare it to be Japanese, and they were pleased.

But the Weaboo could not know, for they were ignorant, that the symbol was not Japanese but Chinese in origin. And so was their declaration misinformed, and it did release the Vast Aggravation. A terrible war now known as the Great Internet Argument broke out among the denizens of the Tumblr, and the flames burned into the night.

Thus were the people punished for their ignorance, and thus was the Prophet proven to speak True, and he reclaimed his position on the mountain for all eternity.

 **THE END.**

# TEREZI/DAVE

Once upon a sweep Terezi was watching Dave on her computer screen and he was acting very peculiar. He put on a police uniform and started talking about justice, and punishing criminals. Terezi swooned.

“OH D4V3 YOU 4R3 M4K1NG M3 W3T W1TH 4LL TH1S JUST1C3 T4LK”, she sent to him via Trollian.

“i know”

“BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW TH4T 1F YOU 4R3NT—“

Before she could finish typing her question, Terezi realized that Dave was sitting beside her, his hand at her crotch. His beautiful ruby eyes looked straight into the scarlet husks behind her glasses.

“OH MY GOG D4V3 HOW D1D YOU G3T H3R3!”

“i travelled back in time so far that i went past the beginning of my universe and entered yours”

“BUT TH4T DO3SNT M4K3 4NY S3NS3 >:?”

“neither does our love” said Dave, and he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her passionately.

They spent the next ten hours licking each other’s eyeballs and it was glorious.

 **THE END.**

 


	2. Friday 2

# ROSE/KANAYA

“Kanaya, have you seen any of my hallowed tomes detailing the most dangerous of the Grimdark Artes and Majyyks? It would seem that I have either misplaced them, or accidentally banished them to the second nether realm of torment due to a faulty spell.”

Rose entered the kitchen with a flat expression, her words coated with the same kind of snark that she had honed over the past few months spent living with her alien vampire lesbian girlfriend. John had been quick to comment on their relationship, comparing it to some unbelievably shitty B-movie, but Rose was unaffected by his playful jabbing. She had finally found solace in the one person capable of matching wits with her.

Kanaya was sitting at the table, drinking tea and trying to keep her expression neutral. She had been practicing both sarcasm and snarkiness ever since meeting Rose and she was making great progress, although she still felt she had a long way to go before she could consider herself a master of this strange human emotion.

“I Have Not Seen Your Books Rose And Of Course I Would Never Presume To Remove Such Dangerous Artifacts From Your Grasp, Thereby Preventing You From Serious Injury Death Or Otherwise Unpleasant Fates, Because I Do Not Care For You At All And This Is An Immutable Fact That I Am Stating To Be Placed On The Record Forthwith”

“Kanaya, was that sarcasm?”

“No Of Course Not”

“And was  _that_  sarcasm?”

“It Might Have Been”

“Where have you hidden them?”

“If I Was Truly Dedicated Enough To Fabricate An Excuse In Order To Keep Them From You Without You Realizing That It Was Me Who Actually Did Hide Them, Do You Really Think I Would Just Tell You Where They Were?”

“No, of course not. That wouldn’t be any fun.”

“I Suppose This Confrontation Is Going To End As They Always Do Then”

“Would you have it any other way?”

“No”

With that, Rose took Kanaya by the hand and pulled her into an aggressive kiss, her tongue knocking against the drinker’s fangs as it slipped into her mouth. She positively ravished Kanaya with affection before pulling away and leading her dazed lover to their room. She strapped Kanaya to the bed, stripped her down, and went to work immediately. It took only a few minutes for Rose to take her partner to the very edge…and then stop.

“Where are my books?”

“Agh You Are A Cruel Individual Have I Made You Aware Of This By Now?”

“Yes. Where are they?”

“I Would Never Tell You”

“Then I guess I’m left with no choice but to leave you here.”

“Um”

“Farewell, Kanaya.”

“Ok They Are On The Shelf Underneath The Cabinet In The Laundry Room Behind The Fabric Softener Now Can You Please Come Back And Make Love To Me”

Rose left the room to check, and the books were indeed on the shelf underneath the cabinet in the laundry room, behind the fabric softener. She returned to the bedroom immediately to free her lover, and then they fucked.

 **THE END.**

# MOM/CONDESCE

Ms. Lalonde wasn’t quite sure how she had ended up on the battleship. One moment she was sitting on the couch at home in a drunken stupor, sipping the umpteenth martini of the night; the next moment she had stumbled into an alternate alien dimension on a blood-red ship populated only by the corpses of grey, orange-horned creatures.

A very tipsy stroll through the deserted corridors brought her to a throne room of sorts, and there she encountered a regal-looking alien with massive hair and horns to match. The alien tensed up and regarded her new company with a furious sort of suspicion.

“)(OW DID YOU G-ET )(—-ER-E, ALI-EN?!”

Ms. Lalonde hiccupped and almost fell over, and then spoke.

“I was on my way to the bar to fetch another – hic – drink.”

“You ended up on by battles)(ip on your way to the bar for a drink?”

“Yes.”

“)(ow foolis)(. Now die!”

The Empress channeled the power of her lusus and let out a psychic shockwave in an attempt to obliterate the drunken woman before her – but as Ms. Lalonde was human and not a troll, she was unaffected. Instead, she just tilted her head and hiccupped again. Her Imperious Condescension was terrified by the alien’s heathen magic.

“PL—-EAS—E!! if you do not )(urt me with your strange alien powers, I will do w)(atever you ask of me!”

And so Ms. Lalonde asked for the strongest drink her new servant could provide for her, and they both drank copious amounts of trollcohol until the wee hours of the night, and they both got really smashed and had a drunken one night stand that they regretted for a long, long time.

 **THE END.**

# VRISKA/TAVROS

“Hey, Pupa! I w8nt you to fuck me!!!!!!!!”

“uH,”

 **THE EN—**

Hey. >::::(

That was a fucking terri8le story! Let me 8e a 8it more specific a8out it! See, 8asically I was horny. Like, really really horny. And the only person there was Taaaaaaaavros, which sucked 8ecause he is lame. Lamey lamey lame, he is the lamest person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting and that is saying a lot, considering I’ve also met Vantas and Pyrope and the rest of those assholes.

So anyways, I was pretty fucking pissed at him, 8ecause he was 8eing a loser like usual and refusing to fuck me! I mean, who does that? I am a very fucka8le person I will have you know!!!!!!!!

It made me so mad, I threw him off of another cliff! 8ut I guess this one wasn’t high enough 8ecause it 8arely even hurt him, and his ro8ot legs didn’t 8r8k or nothing! What a ripoff!

Anyway I thought that was stupid and pointless so I just mastur88ed instead, and it was awesome! I filled all the 8uckets! ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!! >:::;D

 **THE END.**

# ROBO-JADE/ROBO-ARADIA

After a bizarre and complicated series of events involving Dream-Jade’s corpse, a number of frogs, Betty Crocker brand electronics equipment and a particularly slick patch of ice, Robo-Jade grew a soul of her own. She quickly became sad and lonely, though, because none of her friends were robots and she couldn’t connect with any of them. Literally; none of her interface slots and plugs were compatible with human orifices.

One day she was feeling particularly morose, and she decided to solve her problem by flying around the Land of Frost and Frogs and marvelling at all the scenery.

Then she was hit by a meteor.

When her sensors started working again, she realized she was in a lab, and sitting beside her was another robotic girl! She said her name was Robo-Aradia, and she told Robo-Jade that she was glad to have a new friend to play with.

But Robo-Jade’s battery power was running dangerously low, and she didn’t have a recharging station on the lab…Equius’ station was incompatible with her Crocker brand parts!

CURSE YOU, BATTERWITCH!

Luckily for her, Robo-Aradia was capable of channeling her electrical charge through one of her jacks, and recharging Jade manually. It turned out to be a very pleasurable process!

They spent a lot of time that afternoon “recharging” each other, and then they decided to start dating. Equius was very sad, but he got over it after watching them have extremely lewd robot sex courtesy of a secret webcam that Sollux installed. Everybody won!

 **THE END.**

# SOLLUX/ARADIA

Rain pounded against the roof of Sollux’s Communal Hive Stem, and with the heavy rain came the usual sounds of his guardian moaning and grumbling about being far too wet for his own good. Sollux was doing a fairly good job of blocking out his lusus, if only because the voices screaming inside his head were proving far stronger. In between mental shouting matches with his psychological assailants, he was focusing on his coding, which at the moment was striking him as far less sophisticated and well-written than his normal affairs.

In other words, this was  _not_ a good day for him.

Perhaps fate intended on making it worse for him, because as he was occupying himself with bemoaning his fate, his computer screen lit up with a message from one of his friends.

 **apocalypseArisen [AA]** **began trolling** **twinArmageddons [TA]**

AA: s0llux

TA: ye2? what ii2 iit?

TA: ii’m kiind of bu2y here a2 you mu2t be well aware.

AA: well yes i kn0w but

AA: i am at y0ur wind0w right n0w and i w0uld appreciate it if y0u let me in

TA: what the fuck?

TA: why are you out2iide my hiive?

TA: iif thii2 ii2 another godawful prank or iit ends wiith me face fiir2t iin miind honey ii 2wear two god ii am goiing two briing you back two liife ju2t 2o ii can kiill you agaiin.

TA: do you under2tand me?

AA: n0

AA: it is n0t a prank

AA: and yes

AA: i d0 understand y0u

AA: n0w can i please c0me in it is c0ld and wet 0ut here and s0metimes i like t0 pretend i can feel that

TA: fiine

 **apocalypseArisen [AA]** **ceased trolling** **twinArmageddons [TA]**

Sollux groaned and headed over to the window to open it. Aradia was floating there, dead as a gateway entry handle. She produced a small present and hovered it in front of him. Taken aback by the gesture, he stood in shock for a few moments to open the gift. Inside, he found a small jar of honey.

“don’t you know ii can’t eat thii2 2tuff, or ii2 your thiinkpan 2tuffed?”

“this is n0t mind h0ney it is a special kind and i think y0u will really enj0y it”

“hmmph ii doubt that but ii may a2 well be a fliipiing iidiiot and try tru2tiing you on thii2 one.”

He took a spoonful of honey and tasted it. True to her word, it did not cause his eyes to explode – he exploded in his pants, instead.

“holy 2hiit 2andwiiche2 aradiia diid you ju2t make me cream my pant2????”

“i t0ld y0u that y0u w0uld enj0y it”

And then they made sweet, passionate ethereal love.

 **THE END.**

# MINDFANG/POST-SCRATCH ROSE

“Why have you 8rought me here, Doctor?”

Mindfang narrowed her eyes suspiciously and regarded the being before her. She knew the felt-green layout of his house far too well, having spent more time there as a youth than she cared to remember. Now, she was here again, transported against her will for some inscrutable reason.

“I wish for you to meet a friend of mine. In another time and place she was a protégé of mine, but now she is no more than a single mother struggling to make ends meet whilst trying to maintain the illusions of her lost childhood by entrenching herself in the darkest studies known to man. I think you two would get along well.”

“I dou8t that. 8ring her in if you must.”

With that, Scratch vanished in a flash of green light, replaced by a blonde-haired woman wearing a silly looking robe and clutching on to a large black tome.

“Who are you, and where am I?”

Mindfang proceeded to spend a long time explaining the situation to the new houseguest, and by the time she was finished the two had forged an inseparable bond based on their mutual hatred for their host. Said bond quickly manifested itself in the form of sloppy alien lesbian sex on Scratch’s desk.

Unfortunately for them, that was exactly his plan – as an omnipotent being, he could spy on their copulation, and perhaps it would entertain him for a millisecond or two. He had to find some way of keeping himself entertained, after all.

 **THE END.**


	3. Friday 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For this Friday I took a different approach, using rules I found on Tumblr.  
> I asked people to submit not only a pairing but an AU, and I would write a tiny, three sentence story about them.  
> These are the results.

**Tavros/Gamzee Estrogenstuck**

Tavros was feeling particularly effeminate one day which was surprising because he was already quite effeminate in the very skewed sense that loving fairies and being a wimp makes a person effeminate.

He called up his best buddy Gamzee and it turned out that Gamzee was feeling the same way, or at least he thought he felt the same way – he wasn’t sure because he was too stoned.

Gamzee headed down to Tavros’ house and they spent the day cuddling and talking about feelings in a pile of horns.

 

 

 **Aradia/Kanaya: Manlystuck**

Aradia was ready to do some adventuring, her gear prepped to explore some ruins Indiana Jones style.

Before she could leave, however, Kanaya marched straight up to her and said, “No no no, this is not the proper outfit for exploring.”

Then she ripped Aradia’s shirt off while ripping her own shirt away with the force of her bulging muscles, and the two of them raided the ruins topless and stole ancient shit in the most gloriously manly way possible.

 

 

 **Gamzee/Vriska: Middle School**

In middle school all the coolest kids were the ones who smoked up out in the back alley by the schoolyard at lunch time every day, and Vriska was so intent on being the coolest of them all that she had a pre-teen ladyboner for other cool people.

So one day she slipped into the boy’s washroom while Gamzee was smoking up and being a general badass, although to be honest he was so fucking high all the time he had no idea he was so badass to everyone else.

And then the two of them made out sloppily in a washroom stall and Vriska went around later bragging to all her friends about how they “totally fucked” even though none of them were really sure exactly what it meant to fuck someone because it was just middle school and they usually skipped sex ed class like rebels.

 

 

 **Canon Tavros/Survival: Vriskastuck**

Tavros was having a very bad day.

He woke up and he was surrounded by eleven other Vriskas all with different signs but the same batshit insane personality, and they were all fawning over him, and by fawning I mean they were insulting him and kicking him and trying to make him do cool shit that he was too wimpy to actually do.

He ended up surviving just because they all fought each other over who had the right to fuck and/or kill Tavros, and ended up all rolling really lucky numbers and obliterating themselves while Tavros sat helplessly on the floor and watched them all die.

 

 

 **Nic Cage/Survival: Vriskastuck**

Nic Cage was having a very very very bad day.

He woke up and he was surrounded by twelve Vriskas, all of whom seemed to be engaged in a very furious argument regarding who would be the first to give him a blowjob.

He ended up defusing the situation with his amazing acting skills – he shouted, “I’m a vampire!” extremely loudly and then ran through the group of Vriskas while reciting the alphabet, and they were so stunned he was able to hop onto his flaming motorcycle and ride off the edge of the meteor into empty space, spinning and spinning into endless nothing, screaming.

 

 

 **Fluttershy/Tavros: My Stuck Pony**

“uH,” Tavros said, twiddling his thumbs nervously and trying to avoid Fluttershy’s gaze.

“Um.” she mumbled, pawing cautiously at the ground and trying not to stare.

It was the most beautiful date ever, and their blissful romance lasted for many wonderful and awkward years.

 

 

 **Mindfang/Vriska: Honey I Shrunk The Stuck**

Thanks to shenanigans involving a shrink ray that Sollux unwittingly coded when trying to make a machine that would enlarge his bone bulge to make him more attractive to the ladies, Mindfang and the Summoner were accidentally shrunk down to miniscule size.

Vriska happened across the tiny ancestors and decided to treat them like action figures, re-enacting her favorite moments from Mindfang’s journal.

Mindfang wasn’t particularly pleased when Vriska decided to make the Summoner lance her through the chest, but unfortunately for her it was in the script so she really had no right to complain.

 

 

 **Halley/Bec: Homewardboundstuck**

A strange rift through time opened up and Halley and Bec both fell through it and were separated from their masters.

They went on a big journey through the world encountering other animals and forging bonds that would last forever in their memories, and also they almost got caught by criminals on multiple occasions but Bec just teleported them into space where they would suffer a terrible suffocating fate so it was all good.

In the end the faithful dogs were re-united with their masters and they hugged forever as heartwarming music played in the background, and all of the members of the audience cried tears of joy.

 

 

 **Condesce/Sassacre: Retro-Futurestuck**

Colonel Sassacre shwooped up the elevator tube leading to his floating space apartment, glad to be home after a harrowing day of writing satire about the Earthican government while dodging attacks from the evil space-moths from Sysiphus 9.

His caring homemaker wife greeted him with a huge heaping of space cakes, fresh from her Betty Crocker Brand oven.

Unfortunately, a small amount of batter dripped from her cake tray and landed on the floor, sending their cleaning robot into a frenzied mop rage; it charged at the new stain on the floor and rammed into Sassacre on the way, causing him to fall from their space window and plummet to his space death.

 

 

 **Vriska/Redglare: 2Girls1Cupstuck**

“VR1SK4 YOU SM3LL L1K3 1D1OCY 4ND L4M3N3SS 4ND YOU 4R3 NOT 4 F1TT1NG OPPON3NT TH3 W4Y YOUR 4W3SOM3 4NC3STOR W4S”

“Redglare, you make me soooooooo incredi8ly angry I could shit out a rage snake to choke you to death! >::::(”

And then she did, and some creepy dudes on the internet fapped to it.

 

 

 **Dave/Bro: Hospitalstuck**

“oh shit son we’re losing this patient faster than you can lose a boner when looking at some subpar plush-less rump on the internet”

“well fuck that lets pump him up with as many beats as we can to quell the ill fires burning inside him”

They spent the next thirty minutes composing a raptastic ode to the man who came into the intensive care ward impaled on a stop sign, and by the time they had finished their freshest rhymes the man was dead and Nurse Harley was looking at them disapprovingly.

 

 

 **Gamzee/Grand Highblood: Deepandthoughtprovokingexistentialisttheorystuck**

“HaHa fUcK MaN LoOk aT AlL ThEsE PrEtTy cOlOrS, wHaT ThE FuCk aRe tHeY EvEn uP To, BeInG AlL ImPuDeNt oN YoUr wAlL AnD ShIt, MoThErFuCkIn mIrAcLeS Is wHaT'S At, RiGhT?”

“SHUT UP or i am going to GET MY MOTHERFUCKING kill on to you.”

And then they both held hands and watched the blood of a thousand innocents drip down the stone wall.

 

 

 **Rose/Mom: Steampunkstuck**

The golden sun dawned at the edge of the city, but it was invisible behind the smog that had obscured the sky and closed in on the technological marvel that was known as the Great Steam City.

Rose looked out from the balcony and sighed, “Mother, do you think that we have managed to hoard enough wealth to justify breaking into the coffers much as a young child would break into his porcine treasury, and venture forth on a vacation outside of the steel walls that confine us?”

Martini in hand, Rose’s mother responded with a hiccup and fell down the stairs.

 

 

 **Terezi/Vriska: Doorstuck**

One day Vriska and Terezi were both walking through the lab headed to Karkat’s room, with the intertions of antagonizing him in an annoying way and an annoyingly romantic way, respectively.

Unfortunately for them, they both tried to enter the room at the same time and ended up in one of those situations like in a sitcom where two people try to force their way through a door at the same time and end up stuck inside it because neither one will give up and let the other person go through first.

In other words, they were…………………..doorstuck. 8)

 

 

 **Sweet Bro/Hella Jeff: PerfectGrammarStuck**

“Today I am going to be useless and spend my time playing video games,” saids Sweet Bro bup then he fell down…..the stairs?????

like a dumpass!!!

“I believe I warned you about the dangers that the staircase poses,” hella Jeff and then he lauhged for a realy long time……!?!!??

 

 

 **Dave/Terezi: Maury-stuck**

“what no how could i even get her weirdo alien ass pregnant i mean come on shes a different species theres no way shes going to be the baby mama popping out a hybrid lovechild”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Strider, but the baby is you…I mean yours.”

“oh nooooooooooooooo dave how could you betray me like this i hate you!!!!!!!!!!! D:<”

 

 

 **Rose's Mom/Hella Jeff's Mom: Assstuck**

Rose’s mom’s ass was incredibly hot and distracting.

Hella Jeff’s mom’s ass was also wait I forgot what I was saying I got distracted by the asses.

Booty booty booty booty rockin’ errywhere.


	4. Friday 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this one I went a bit more freeform with the format - people could basically send any pairing or short fic idea, and I didn't constrain myself to a sentence limit. The final ficlet is DEFINITELY not comedic but a jolt of inspiration hit me when I got the prompt and I couldn't help but include it.

**Equius/Feferi - Equius is a girl**

Equius’ face was still flushed with blue in roughly the shape of a hand, an odd stinging sensation overwhelming her ability to think rationally.

Moments earlier she had simply asked the young Empress why she had allowed the gutter-blooded boy to lead them instead of one with more regal blood; she was met with a forceful slap to the face and a lecture on the insanity that was the hemospectrum.

It was a glorious, STRONG slap, and for a moment Equius felt like they could have had something together, but her chances were ruined as she broke out into a cold sweat, began to lactate, and moaned “Hit me again!” instead of paying attention to the lecture.

As Feferi stormed away in a huff, Equius wondered idly if it would be possible to insert a passion chip into Feferi’s think pan and save herself the trouble of actually trying to be romantic.

 

 **Karkat/Terezi, Desertpunkstuck**

The burning heat of the Alternian sun bore heavily on Karkat and Terezi as they blazed a futile path through the sandy wasteland.

“TH1S 1S SOOOO BOR1NG 4ND 1 4M TH1RSTY 4ND 1 C4N B4R3LY T4ST3 4NYTH1NG MY TONGU3 1S SO DRY,” Terezi said with a whiny tone, as they passed over a nondescript sand dune for the umpteenth time.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU’RE ONLY DEHYDRATING YOURSELF FURTHER BY BLATHERING ON LIKE THAT, IMBECILE.”

Terezi suddenly froze up as she smelled something, and she quickly dashed forwards while exclaiming, “TH3R3S 4N O4S1S 4H34D TH3 D3L1C1OUS W4T3RY SC3NT 1S BOMB4RD1NG MY NOSTR1LS!”

Unfortunately when they reached it they discovered that her nose had betrayed her; it was just a big puddle of wet blue paint splattered over the sand.

 

 **Vriska beats up the Sufferer** _[(written for arachnidsGrass)](http://arachnidsgrass.tumblr.com/) _

“WHY HAVE YOU COME TO SEE ME, LITTLE GIRL? SHOULDN’T YOU BE SITTING IN YOUR ROOM POSTING FILTHY PICTURES ON YOUR BLOG?”

“It’s too l8 for that, Sufferer. You messed with my friends and insulted my honor and now I am going to m8ke you pay!!!!!!!!”

Vriska lunged forwards and delivered a powerful blow to his gut, sending the Sufferer reeling. Before he could react to defend himself, her fist was smashing his head back with an uppercut, and he crashed to the ground. He pulled out a sharpened sickle and staggered to his feet, aiming a slash at her – she was too quick, and she jumped backwards in a dodge. With a flourish she let her Octets fly, the dice clattering to the ground. They glowed blue as the Sufferer stepped past them and exploded, sending a jolt of lightning upwards. As it coursed through the Sufferer’s body she rolled over to him and stooped to collect her dice, tossing them again immediately. As the shock faded from her opponent’s body he stepped forwards with another slash, this one just grazing her cheek and drawing a bit of cerulean blood. He carried his momentum through with another strike, this one aimed straight for her neck with deadly precision – but her dice finished their descent and summoned in her hands a great steel lance, with which she effortlessly blocked his attack.

Steel met steel and sparks flew, and he stumbled backwards, momentarily stunned by the sudden defense. Vriska took the opportunity to swing the lance in a circular motion, catching him in the groin with a heavy hit. He squeaked and toppled over, collapsing to the ground and cradling his poor bone bulge. Vriska cackled, victorious.

She whipped out her camera phone and planted a foot on her opponent’s back, basking in the glory of his defeat. She proceeded to take a number of pictures and upload them to her blog, mercilessly taunting him all the while.

“Looks like I 8eat you this time!!!!!!!! >::::D”

It was awesome.

 

 **Andrew Hussie/Evil Andrew Hussie – Hussiestuck**

Andrew Hussie was sitting in his study writing the latest panel of Homestuck when there came a pounding knock at the door and his evil twin, Eissuh Werdna, burst into the study. He was a carbon copy of Hussie except for a strange grey aura that surrounded him, a cheesy pointed goatee, and an “I <3 Himaruya” t-shirt that contrasted Hussie’s “I <3 Ryan North” shirt.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Hussie asked, “I thought I banished you past the 6th wall alongside Vriska’s excess body fat!”

His doppleganger let out a nasty cackle. “I have returned, and I shall have my revenge by killing off every character in Homestuck!”

“But I already am doing that.” Hussie said.

“Oh.”

The two of them then proceeded to have a nice dinner together while discussing various ways of making the fans cry, and then they beat up Cal for mooching off of them.

The ungrateful bastard.

 

 **Karkat meets a crappy Karkat roleplayer.**

carcatGenticist [CG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CG?: HEY

CG: WHAT THE FUCK, WHO IS THIS.

CG?: I’M FUCKING KARKAT VANTAS IS FUCKING WHO

CG: WHAT.

CG: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU IMITATING ME?

CG?: I COULD SAY THE SAME FOR FUCKING YOU

CG?: FUCKTARD

CG?: WHOS USING MY TYPING QUIRK AND EVERYTHING

CG: OK, HOLY FUCK. YOU ARE HONESTLY THE MOST PATHETIC IMITATOR I HAVE EVER MET.

CG: DID A SKITTERBUG CRAWL INTO YOUR THINK PAN AND DIE IN THERE

CG: OR ARE YOU JUST PLAIN STUPID?

CG?: SHUT THE FUCK UP DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING HATEROM ME OR SOMETHING???

CG: OH MY GOD.

CG: I SWEAR IF THIS IS A FUTURE ME TRYING TO SEIZE MY BLEATBEAST

CG: I WILL TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE IN A CONTRAPTION POWERED SOLELY BY MY UNMITIGATED RAGE FOR YOU

CG: FIND YOU

CG: HANG YOU FROM THE CEILING BY YOUR TOES

CG: AND EVISCERATE YOU.

CG?: YEAH NO I’LL DO THAT FIRST

CG: …

CG: I THINK I AM LITERALLY BECOMING STUPIDER BY READING THIS.

CG: I’M OUT.

CG?: FUCK YOU YOU DONT LEAVE UNTIL I

carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked carcatGenticist [CG]

 

 **FatRose's evil plan to fatten Kanaya.**

“Rose Please This Is The Third Cake You Have Served Me Within The Past Two Hours And I Really Dont Think I Can Bear To Eat Any More”, Kanaya said, rather exasperated. She was staring at a humongous cake decorated with frilly pink swirls of icing and sugary constructions in the shape of blood-red blossoms.

“No, my dear. I insist that you fill up on the confections, it is unhealthy to starve yourself.”

Kanaya stared at her rotund girlfriend, whose girth was so pronounced that she could not fit into a single chair, and she had to hire workers to widen all of the doors in the house lest she get stuck trying to enter or exit a room.

“Are You Sure You Are Not Simply Trying To Fatten Me Up So You Can Feast On Me Later”

“You’ve been reading too many fairy tales, Kanaya. I would never do that.”

Kanaya was still suspicious, though, and surely enough she was confronted later that evening by another ridiculous serving of pastries. Enraged, she triggered her Rainbow Drinker powers and punched Rose in the gut so hard that all of the fat exploded out around her. It formed into a nasty looking blob and scowled.

“And I was so close, too!!”, it shrieked, before waddling over to a window and escaping.

“You’ve saved me!” said Rose, who was slimmer but had still retained a very shapely and sultry figure. “How may I ever repay you?”

“There Is One Thing I Was Thinking Of”

They proceeded to have hot, steamy, lesbian sex, and then they did the thing that Kanaya was thinking of, which was going on a worldwide modelling tour advertising sexy lingerie and beautiful suits.

 

 **Vriska <3 Terezi. Setting: Alternia.**

Team Scourge had struck again, and their latest victim stumbled into a dark room in Spinneret’s castle, forced there by an unseen hand. A scant few torches hung on the walls, the flickering fire serving to illuminate only the smallest patches of the oppressive darkness. The room was empty except for a single stone altar that stood at the far side. Behind the altar, two ruby red glasses glinted, the only indication that a girl stood behind it – the rest of her body was swathed in shadow. He took a cautious step towards her, but froze up when he heard her shout.

“ON YOUR KN33S! >:[“

Weaponless and weak from battle, he did as instructed, his body quivering with fear.

“YOU W3R3 C4UGHT R3D H4ND3D P1LF3R1NG PR3C1OUS 3L3CTRON1C GOODS FROM 4 LOC4L W1R3M4RK3T, DO YOU D3NY TH3S3 4LL3G4T1ONS?”

“That was over a year ago, I don’t—“

“S1L3NC3! FOR TH1S MOST H31NOUS OF CR1M3S, TH3 COURTBLOCK S3NT3NC3S YOU…” she punctuated her sentence by smashing her cane against the altar.

“ _D34TH.”_

The troll moved to protest, only for a sudden force to seize control of his body. He was conscious of a sudden desire to exit the room, but unable to move or speak of his own accord. He could only watch helplessly as he descended a spiralling staircase, lower and lower into the cliff that supported the deranged house of punishment above him. He emerged on a small protrusion from the cliff, and it is there he saw the beast that would end his life. It was a gigantic albino spider, supported by an equally massive web. He strained in protest, trying fruitlessly to banish the second will inside his mind, but to no avail. The spider let loose a terrible roar, and as his spirit screamed and thrashed madly inside his brain, his legs carried him forwards into its gaping maw.

The aspirant legislacerator observed his fall from a window far above the beast, and her face broke out into a toothy grin. A second observer stepped up from behind her and slapped her rump with a cackle.

“Another 8eautiful victory for Team Scourge! Redglare, we are on a roll!!!!!!!!”

“H3H3H3, 1ND33D W3 4R3 SP1NN3R3T >:]”

The twin hands of justice met each other in a passionate embrace, lips and bodies pressed together. The girl who called herself Redglare allowed her hands to roam, passing over her partner’s rear and squeezing it. Spinneret pulled away with a yelp.

“You’re feisty tonight, you know that? Well, whatever. You earned it with that 8adass execution! Come on, let’s a8scond to my room and cele8r8. :::;)”

“YOUR3 ON!”

Hand in hand, they made their way to Spinneret’s room, passing by a makeshift prison cell as they did so. Those waiting to be judged were wasting away in the cell, pleading for help, but Redglare paid them no attention, passing briskly by them. They were criminals, and as such they were scum.

And through the eyes of the law – through _her_ eyes – scum like them deserved no mercy.


	5. Friday 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this round, I used another new system. Basically, I'd have people give me a prompt, and I would write just a portion of a full-fledged story that could come from the prompt. Essentially it'd be like me writing a chunk from the middle of a fic, leaving people wondering what happened before and how it ends.

**Karkat/Vriska's dice**

After dozens of minutes of searching, his hard work finally paid off; Karkat found the chest within which Vriska had entombed her dice. It was a good thing she was just the kind of stupidly greedy person to store valuable objects in treasure chests.

He pocketed the dice quickly and slipped out of the room before she could awaken. Once in the hallway, he examined them carefully. They had a number of sharp edges.

He mumbled, “Now, how in the fuck do I get these all to fit in my butt?”

 

 **Slick + Snowman shower sex**

Slick slowly got to his feet, nursing the new wound on his elbow. He turned to glare at Snowman. Her head was peeking out from behind the shower curtain, and she was cackling.

“Your fuckin’ tub is trying to kill me!” he groaned, gingerly stepping back in.

“It’s a shower, and no it’s not.” she corrected.

She waved her hand about, and he willed his sight up past her breasts to look at it. She was holding a flattened bar of soap.

“Try not to slip on the soap next time, Spades.”

 

 **Karkat/Terezi with watersports?**

“Marco!” Terezi called, wading through the pool.

“Polo is a stupid word, can I say something else?” Karkat grumbled.

“Nope!”

“This is the stupidest water-based sport I’ve ever played, not even wigglers could derive entertainment from this, I’m sure.”

 

 **Nepeta/Equius roleplaying**

“This is extremely silly,” began Equius, placing emphasis on the ‘x’ sound, but he was cut off by Nepeta frantically waving her arms at him.

“The Pouncellor purrlitely requests that her guest for the tea purrty keeps himself in-character fur the duration of the event!” she chided, and then she immediately resumed sipping on her tea with a pinky extended.

Equius sighed, stuck his own pinky finger out, and crushed a cup in his hand by accident.

 

 **Reset!Mom/Tavros**

Mom’s eyes went wide and she gaped at it.

“I’ve never — hic! — seen one this  _huge_  before!” she gasped.

“Yeah, it’s pretty big, heh,” Tavros began, hoisting it up in front of her. “I’m a real pro at, uh, using it, too.”

“Can I touch it?” she asked, still marvelling at its length.

“Sure,” he said, and he let her run her hands all over his Fiduspawn lance.

 

 **karkat <3 jade with hardcore sex or something**

“Well, I guess this is it.” Karkat said, leaning over Jade. She was grinning goofily with a buck-toothed smile. “I’m gonna fuck you like a cholerbear crashing through a market. Which is to say, hard and destructive.”

Jade giggled. God she was hot when she giggled. He leaned in closer.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Yes! Do it! Fuck me so hard I scream!” she said.

 

 **Jade/Feferi domestic**

“Uuurgh, we forgot to buy milk  _again!_ ”, Jade whined, bumping her forehead against the fridge. Feferi, hearing her, appeared behind her almost immediately.

“That’s perchfectly fine!” Feferi said, nodding at Jade’s chest. “You can make more, right?”

“Um, that only works if I’m pregnant,” she corrected, looking at Feferi oddly.

“Oh.” Feferi said, disappointed. “Well can I suck ‘em anyways?”

 

 **Ms. Paint <3< halftruth, fighting for on who gets hussie**

Halftruth managed to dodge the first paint bucket, but the second one beaned her right in the forehead. Letting out an enraged shriek, she charged Ms. Paint down in a futile attempt to rip her carapace apart layer by layer.

“Ladies, please, I’m self-indulgent enough for the both of you,” Hussie said, trying to get between them.

“No! Only one may hold your heart!” Halftruth cried, and with a terrible screech she summoned forth a gigantic owl to devour her most hated enemy.

 

 **Karkat. 3 in the Morning Dress. :3c**

“No, no no no fuck you, it’ll be a raging firestorm in Troll Jewgish ice-Hell before you get me in that dress.” Karkat protested, waving his arms about and trying to knock the dress away from himself.

A few eyebrow waggles and a promise they could watch ‘Wherein a man attempts to court a woman beset by memory issues…’ (Full title omitted for brevity) together, and he relented.

Jade giggled and clapped, and he tried his best to keep frowning and pretend he wasn’t getting off on it somehow.

 

 **Karkat and Sufferer arguing over a dating sim.**

“Troll Missionary Sim-Date has got to be the lamest game I’ve ever played, and I’ve played games recommended by  _Tavros._ ” said Karkat, rolling his eyes. “There aren’t even sex-scenes! Just religious commentary.”

“Silence, young one. You will yet learn.” Sufferer said, as he clicked over to the menu screen and selected the scripture to recite to his chosen date.

 

 **R-Mom and Sollux in a hack-off.**

“How the fuck ith she doing that?” Sollux griped, tapping away at his keyboard frantically. Lines of code blurred across the screen in brilliant red and blue shades, almost faster than he could read. He was easily smashing through encryption after encryption.

And yet he was somehow losing the hack-off to some drunken asshole who was just slapping at the keyboard willy-nilly!

“Urgh, now I need thhhomething to drink…”

 

 **dave <3 john getting it on for the first time**

“Uh, so Dave, I guess I’m ok with the whole ‘gay’ thing now, but, er…”

“But what, John?” Dave asked. As they were both stark naked and sitting on a bed, he had been hoping for no ‘but’s.

“Well, if I have a dick, and you have a dick…where do I put mine?”

Dave put his head in his hands and sighed.

“Dave? Oh god, this is something really obvious, isn’t it?”

“No, no,” Dave said, his voice muffled by his hands, “I was just hoping you’d know, because I sure as hell don’t.”

 

 **Dave/unreal-air**

Dave had to admit, out of all the things he’d humped in his lifetime, this had to be the weirdest yet.

 

 **Nepeta <3< Terezi**

The lioness was making her normal prowling rounds through the forest when she heard a sudden roar from above her. She looked up to see a mighty dragon soaring overhead, with a lion cub in it’s maw!

She dashed through the forest and clawed her way up a nearby mountain, gaining enough to height to leap off and grab onto the dragon’s back! She tried to scratch at it, but its mighty scales were too powerful for her to penetrate.

The dragon shook her off and she plummeted towards the forest floor! But it was ok because she landed in a pile of sugar cubes. And then she roared so loudly that the dragon dropped the cub right into her arms and flew away!

But surely, it would return, and she would be waiting with fangs bared…

 

 **gamzee <3<terezi, with terezi trying to roleplay**

Terezi’s hand found his throat with ease and she pushed him against the wall.

“For the murders of Nepeta Leijon and Equius Zahhak, the courtblock sentences you to death!” she growled.

“The high motherfuckin’ Subjugglator…” he began, his grip tensing around his club, “Would like all to take that verdict, and over-motherfuckin’-turn it.”

 

 **Mindfang/Karkat playing poker and Mindfang losing**

“Ha fucking ha, that’s another hand to me.” Karkat gloated, raking in his share of chips and smirking. “And it looks like you’re out, which means you’d better make like a pailmate and take something off.”

The pirate queen grumbled and unbuttoned her overcoat, tossing it aside with about as much grace as a flailing walrus.

“Don’t get cocky, young one. Were I playing to win you’d be begging forgiveness of me. I’ll let you take this boon while you can, but you’ll not have any more luck if  _I_  have anything to say about it.”

(AN: Fifteen minutes later she was naked)

 

 **terezi <3tavros being game-playing dorks.**

“Can I sentence your Horsaroni to death for the foul murder of my Pastalope?” asked Terezi. She sniffed her cards, seemingly lost in Fiduspawn thoughts.

Tavros frowned. “Uh, do you have the Murderer’s Courtblock card in your hand?”

“No,” Terezi said, “But I have the power of justice in my heart!”

“Well, justice can’t really help you here, because, heh, I’ve got a Stampede card, and I’m going to play it.”

“Oh nooooooooo,” Terezi said, as the last of her Vitality Carats were banished from her Pluck Reliquary on account of the sudden Horsaroni stampede.

“And now,” said Tavros, grinning, “I get to banish you, to the shadow realm!”

 

 **Kanaya binging on sweets, others holding an intervention.**

Vriska picked up an apple strudel and tossed it aside, frowning. She turned to her ex-moirail, who was glaring up at her with a (literally) frosty expression. Her mouth was dripping with sugar and her body was flabby.

“Look, Kanaya, you’ve got to stop eating these. You’re getting fat. And not good fat, either. You’re not healthy, or big-boned, or adorably pudgy. It’s just yucky, unhealthy, obese.”

“Loathe though I am to agree with Miss Serket, she is entirely correct this time. Your astonishing girth is popping eyes in all the worst ways.” added Rose, who was donning a disappointed kind of concerned expression.

Kanaya brushed some of the mess off her cheek and wiped it on her skirt.

“…but their cruel deliciousness knows no bounds…” Kanaya whined.

“Will you do some fucking push-ups if I bone Rose in front of you?” Vriska asked, exasperated. Rose stepped back, her face paling and her eyes wide.

“Kanaya, surely you wouldn’t—“

Kanaya dropped to the ground and started doing push-ups immediately.

 

 **Aradia narrowly avoiding death in one of her digs.**

“Shit shit shit shit, shit shit shit…!”

Aradia ran through the tunnel as fast as she could, the bubbling hot magma rounding the corner and flowing towards her. She knew she was tunneling near a volcano but she had never expected it to be active, and to break straight through into the heart itself. The magma wasn’t moving too fast, but the heat was starting to get to her, and her clothes had nearly caught on fire when she first encountered the sudden, boiling burst.

She grabbed onto a ladder and began climbing it. She had nearly reached the top when she heard an ominous sizzling; she looked down to see the ladder catch on fire as the magma neared it. She quickly hoisted herself onto the edge of the cave cliff as the ladder gave way beneath her, but she couldn’t quite get up. The rocks began to crumble and she only just managed to grip onto a crag in the wall. The lava began to slowly rise.

“This is why I should never dig straight up,” she groaned.

 

 **Dave, Bro, R-Bro, Brobot, and Gamzee all having a footrace.**

“Haha honk, not one single of you motherfuckers is gonna be getting their rude catch-up onto me!” Gamzee cried, rounding the final corner of the track while running backwards and flipping the middle finger at his competition.

Dave and his Bro’s younger counterpart were at the back up the pack, attempting to throw the other off course by ejecting objects from their sylladexes. Bro had nearly caught up to Gamzee but he couldn’t quite make it, and Brobot was jetting alongside him.

 _“Blaaa~ha~haaaa~”_

Gamzee turned his head towards the sea.

“Dad?”

In that moment, Brobot - who had, of course, created the sound himself for a tactical distraction -activated his thrusters and slammed into Gamzee, tumbling to the ground and then bursting past his downed foe.

Dave, upon witnessing the event, stopped dead in his tracks, his mouth agape in a mixture of fury and astonishment. At least, as much as his stoic expression would show.

“Damn it, where does he get off winning a race by rehashing tired memes?”

 

 **Stuff happens to people**

Dave had no idea how he’d ended up in the middle of a swimming pool wearing ducky floatation devices and a red party hat on his head, but he wasn’t really complaining. He was better off, at least, than Feferi, who was hanging from a ceiling lamp by the strap of her swimsuit, and flailing desperately.

Lalonde stumbled in, drunk as usual.

“Damn, guys, wtf happened last night?”


End file.
